Code Geass: Decline
by LightBlueAbyss
Summary: (SPOILERS AHEAD: CODE GEASS) After the fall of Emperor Lelouch Vi Britannia, the world is moving into a new age. A time for peace and community among nations. Things are changing for the better, except for one person. After learning the truth of her brothers intent, Nunnally is told to accept the way things are. But for her, that is the last thing she'd ever want.
1. Chapter 1

**Decline**

 _The last thing I remember was the wet heaviness of my dress, and the bloodstains being indistinguishable from the fabrics deep red color..._

 _He must have chosen it for me knowing what was to happen..._

 **1**

I'd never felt more well rested in my entire life, awaking to find myself in the bed of a neat and fancy looking room. Several flower arrangements decorated the bedside table, and the air smelt fresh as the sunlight dimly illuminated the closed curtains. I couldn't quite remember where I was, or why I was. All I felt was an aura of peace flowing throughout my body and soul. But yet, I also felt somewhat demoralized. Excessive sleep does a good job of disorienting a person.

Examining the room, I tried to figure out where I was. Fancy wallpaper, almost obsessively clean. Where ever I am, the owner must keep it well kept. With nothing else to do, I carefully studied my surroundings. I'd already taken note of all the objects and defining features of the room. Still becoming akin to my eyesight made me want to stare endlessly into things I found to be beautiful. Today I studied the dust in the air, made visible by the patches of light beams which broke their way through the cracks in the curtains. To think I've been missing such sights all these years is truly saddening.

I let out a yawn, tasting the crisp air. I reached to rub my eyes awake, but found a moistness upon my skin. I brought my hand down to get a look at it. There was a light film of clear fluid coating my fingertips, glistening in the afternoon light. "Tears?" I questioned rhetorically. Thinking hard, I knew something was not right. I dug through my mind hoping to find an inkling of... something. And as all things go, nothing changed, until suddenly everything did. The memories of blood, confusion, not knowing what to think of my brother. They all became clear.

Doorknobs turning, the sound of a click and the sight of a man named Zero all appeared to my senses. The dark mask turned in my direction, feeling as if I was being judged. Though lacking eyes, the masks gaze bore deep into my inner being. Saying to me "Are you worthy?". I began to question it myself. "Are you worthy of my sacrifice?" no longer the mask asking me, but it's original owner. I couldn't answer the question.

With a shuffle and an upward motion the great judge of good and evil revealed itself to be only a boy. Tall, scruffy brown hair, green eyes and a boy. He had somber eyes, which refused to look directly into mine. Laying his gaze upon the ground he spoke "I hope some sleep has done you good.". He looked at me, resting his gaze for a moment. "Then again, maybe not.". I looked at my fingertips again. Suzaku's expression made me realize I wasn't the only one my tears could hurt. I wiped my face. "It's just very hot in here." I removed the covers from my body. "Could you turn down the thermostat?". He looked at me. I couldn't lie to him, not without him seeing through me. "Nunnally...". I cut him off.  
"It's hot in here, Suzaku."  
He set his mask on the desk near the door. He took hold of the temperature knob and made a counter clockwise movement with his hand. I felt the cool air reinvigorate the room, acting as I nice breeze to tousled my hair and pajamas. I let out a sigh mixed with a weep, but tried to pass it off as just a sigh.  
"You don't need to act unhurt."  
"That's because I'm not hurt."

He's in the same place as I am. I can't give his heart any more to bear. He is not to see me cry.  
It was a pact I made with myself.

"Nunnally, I don't want to see you hold back like this." He paused, as I tear appeared in his eye, and his voice cracked defeatedly. "It can't bear it.".

I broke the pact almost immediately. He knew what I was thinking, feeling. That's what friends are for, I guess. I heaved over on the bed, letting everything all out at once. I held no knowledge of what I was doing, if I was crying, screaming or shaking. All I knew was the arms of a friend kept me close. Someone who felt the same things I did took hold of me, and together we shared in our grief. The tears of a boy were wetting the back of my neck.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

Eventually we ran out of tears to shed. With no more, I took a rest in his arms, confident he would keep me from falling suddenly on my side.

Asleep, then awake, again. Same bed, same room, but different inhabitants. First there was me, then there was a boy. Someone too young to bear the burden he'd been given. The burden of the world, of a girl, and of a friend now lost. He sat in a chair beside my bed, looking at the ground. I couldn't tell if he was asleep or just uneasy, but I couldn't see his face from this angle, leaving me to imagine tears on his cheeks. The worst possible scenario.

He spoke without raising his head. "You're probably wondering what this all means." he stopped. He brought his head upright to look me in the eye, but at the last second averted his gaze.  
"Lelouch... and I..."  
"The Zero requiem." Saving him the pain of an explanation.  
He kept his gaze averted as a look of confusion overtook his face. "How did you-"  
"When..." I can't stop now. I forced myself to go on. "I saw it, everything." I paused trying to muster some strength. "When I touched Lelouch's hand, and he looked into my eyes, I saw everything. I don't know why, but it was like I was there, standing beside you as you made that pact."  
Suzaku brought himself to sit upright. "Code. When you touched him, Lelouch gave you his code for a moment. He wanted you to know, you deserved the truth."  
Strangely, I smiled. "It would have been easier if I had just thought he was a demon." I laughed a tiny bit. I could feel my eyes water. Guess I was wrong about being out of tears. I looked at Suzaku.  
"What's a code?"  
He seemed to ready himself. "It's too long and complicated for me to explain to you know." He let out a breath. "There are other things we should discuss."  
"What's left to discuss?" Almost sarcastic. I was turning into a burden.  
"Plans for the future, politics, our roles."  
"We're doing this now?"  
Suzaku seemed to feel guilty for even suggesting discussion. "Do you need more time?"  
I thought about it. These things are never to go away, and we can't put it off forever.  
"No, go ahead."  
He readied himself. "Well, getting everyone to cooperate is going to be torture. I mean sure, we're all "Friends" now, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy." He took a breath. "You fell asleep for two days after the incident, Nunnally. I was worried about you... as was everyone else." He paused. I took it as an opportunity to ask some more questions.  
"Where am I? And, how did I get here?"  
"We're at Ashford Academy. This is your old bedroom." Suzaku looked around the room. "It really is a nice room. I hope you think the same, seeing as it's your first time seeing it." He continued. "As for how you got here; you passed out not long after you made contact with Le-..." He stopped. Thinking of what to say. "Lelouch." Coming back with a bold statement. "Like I said, it's been two days. I'm glad your alright now." He paused. "Well, in the sparring sense of the word.". We took a long moment of silence. It seeming to be the theme of the afternoon. I broke it. "So what now?"  
He spoke "As for me, I am Zero, and only Zero. The guy who was "Me" is dead to everyone but you, Nunnally. I'll have to act as judge, leader, and general for the new Britannia, and also a symbol of hope for the rest of the world. All in all, I have a lot on my plate." He sighed. "You on the other hand, have a sea of opportunities open to you. If you'd want it, you could be prime minister to the new Britannia, the head chairman of the UFN. Everyone wants you to be a part of the future we're going to build together."

I don't want this. I was never a person for politics. Deep down we all know what this is going to turn into. Just more squabbles. Maybe no more wars, for a while at least. I don't want to deal with arguing, I want Lelouch back. I want to be in this school before it was empty. I want to be thirteen again, in the student council room, making school wide addresses about chasing a cat.

"Of course, this is only if you want to." Suzaku, breaking the silence again. "Nothing's required of you, but you're a good diplomat. Having you as a public figure would be a motivation to the people."  
"I don't care about the people!" My statement making Suzaku be overcome with disappointment. "Nunnally, we can't lose sight of whats best for the world. We need to fulfill Euphy's-" I cut him off, shouting.  
"I don't care about the world! I don't care what happens to the people, the Japanese, anyone! Lelouch is dead Suzaku! Shirley is dead! Euphy's "dream" is nothing more than a forgotten fantasy now that-"

An intense sting irradiated in my left cheek. It was sharp at first, but grew duller as the time passed. I saw a hand, still fully extended and resting in the air beside me. If I followed the arm up to the shoulder, and then up to the face past the neck, I would find a boy. Tall, scruffy brown hair, green eyes that starred into my own.  
"Her dream is closer than ever now that the Zero requiem has taken place!" A boy, angry and the target of hate with no one to be directed towards.  
"I know you're angry, and confused, but you can't take it out on everyone around you! The world is in a better place than it was before. Whether you like it or not, this was necessary."  
"Well just let me die then." Suzaku was overtaken by shock.  
"I'm just going to hurt everyone anyway. At least if I'm alone I can do what I want." I paused. "At least I could be with Lelouch."

We stand in awe of each others audacity. We both wished that we didn't know the true nature of how the other was thinking. To Suzaku, I'm sure he's just snippy because I don't want to be part of his club. But for me, it's saddening to know he valued the world over a friend. Unforgivable, almost. I used to wish the world could be a gentler place, but now I realize that nothing is gentle in a world with so many people, all with their own selfish agendas. A world of one, or two. Two who understand each other, and care for each other above all else. That sounds like a perfect world to me. And if a set of one's cannot be two, it's better for them to be none.

He gathered himself. He made himself upright and straightened his uniform. He went back to the door and took hold of the Zero mask near the exit. Without looking at me, "I'm sorry about what I did Nunnally. It was uncalled for." He slid the mask onto his head. It turned to look at me. "Are you worthy? Are you worthy? Are you worthy?" That mask veiled all things that once made a person a creature that could be understood, or kind. That mask was indifference. Indifference passing judgment. "Are you a gift, or a detriment to the masses?" That was all it was, all it cared about. And anyone who wore that mask became cursed, cursed to put all their own desires and identity as their lowest priority. People think it's a symbol of hope, but they're wrong. It's a symbol of loss.

I didn't want to speak to the creature that stood above my bed, but I needed to know.  
"When is the funeral?" Zero looked at me. An air of silence came about. I was almost thinking we were going to stand here til the end of time, just starring at each other. Questioning each other, but with no words, only gazes.  
"A funeral?" He paused. "Are you joking?" I realized the true intentions of the UFN on the matter of what to do with my brother. They were going to dump him in the ocean where no one could find him, that or just destroy all the fibers of flesh that once made the hands that held mine.

A doorknob turning, a click, and the black mass of molecules in the form of a human, walked out of the closed space I now call home.


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

I hate conference rooms. They're always dull, and the lights are too bright. If I had the ability, I would make it so the table wasn't always a square, and that the chairs would be comfortable (Not that it mattered to me). Maybe some wallpaper, a vase of flowers. But then again, that may not even make a difference. It's the people that make a conference room so repulsive.

…. I'm fretting over missing vases and wallpaper not even a week later... I repulse myself.

Across from myself we had Cornelia, coach Villetta, the black nights leader Oghi, and about anyone else involved in the coup against Lelouch. Zero stood in front of the large monitor at the head of the room, the brother I knew as Schneizel beside him. Ever since that day, Schneizel has been acting dazed, unenthusiastic, doesn't express any desires of his own. I tried talking to him yesterday, all he'd do is give quick unemotional answers to try and diffuse whatever it was I said. My guess is geass. Probably something like "Be my slave" or "Serve Zero". All _this_ was worth stripping him of his personhood, I guess. But to them, it was worth painting Lelouch as a monster as well, and it worked perfectly. I can't believe I could have doubted him for so long. There's not much they wouldn't do.

I realized I haven't been listening to a word of the conversation until I hear my name mentioned. I look for the person who mentioned it, but I can't seem to pin them down. I'm looking around the table without a clue like an idiot, until I hear Zero mention my name again. I look up at him. He is holding the Damocles key (Or rather, a replica) and offering it to me. I make another observation of the tv monitor. The Damocles, not far on it's path to the sun. All it needs is one more push and it'll burn up. I ask Zero "What? You want me to do it?"  
"It seems it would be fitting" said the void.

I take hold of the key. All eyes are on me. Everyone. They wait, and wait. Somewhere in their starring, it hit me. All of the people here are the same who cheered as I held his corpse. All the liars and backstabers, some of them my own family. They stare, my face still dazed. I look around at them. On nearly every face, I see a slight upturned grin. I examine each and every one with utmost detail and disgust. I turn to Cornelia. Instead of a slight smirk, she wears a fully extended grin. It's endearing, and caring, and utterly repulsive. She opens her mouth to speak. "Sister," She puts her hand on mine. "A new age is dawning, a gentler age. And with everything that's happened, you should be the one to bring it about." She moves my hand onto the button, with hers on top of it. "We can do it together, if you want." She says tenderly.

I look at the key in my hands, and before my eyes it turns into the real thing. The real Damocles key. The room around me fades away, and I find myself back in the Damocles. I look out the window, and the battle rages on outside. Death fills the sky to it's brim. But if I'm here, then...

I turn to face forward, and he's standing there. A man with the purest of intentions, but veils them behind the face of a killer. I wonder why. Why would you force yourself to hurt others, even if it killed you inside? Just to convince others you're a monster? And why sacrifice so much for people you don't know, or care about? I look him in the eye, he smiles at me. I tell him I'm sorry for ever doubting him. "I should've know better than to think that of you.". He says nothing. Just watching me with a smile. I start to feel tears move down my face.  
"I've missed that smile, Lelouch." It's comforting to be with him again. Then, the smile on his face fades. I ask him "What's wrong? We're back here together, you're alive. This couldn't be better." He starts shaking his head "No". I lose my own smile to his response. I speak again.  
"Well, if it can't be like this than at least answer me. Why'd you do it?" He looks at the ground somberly, and gives no reply.  
"Well come on, why?"

I find myself in a muggy conference room once again, Cornelia's hand still resting upon mine. I realize that I've changed. Ideals like that, happiness for everyone. It's all a myth. The nations of the world call themselves friends now, but sooner or later they will fall back into disarray. Even nations united grow themselves rebellions. It was all a lie, all along. I can't believe I fell for the stupid thing. I only wonder how long it is until the day of unraveling. How could anyone be so stupid as to believe in a fiction like that?... Even leave the ones you love behind for it. My brother really was an idiot.

I gently move Cornelia's hand off of my own. She gives me a look of confusion, and concern. I set the key gently down upon the conference table. I take a look at the faces of the board members. This time not offering them something as respectful as a indifferent expression. I hope they see past this face. I hope they see every fiber of betrayal he must have felt. I move my chair to the exit. I pass by the zombie that has taken over my oldest brother. All this sacrifice, for a farce. Makes me sick. I offer a final statement. "A gentler age?" I feel the air rise in my lungs, and let out a laugh. It grows, and before I know it I'm giggling like a child who knows a secret. I'm comforted as I turn my back to that unsightly committee of ignorant fools.

There go my chances of heading the UFN. Thank goodness.


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

I made my way down the hall, wishing my wheelchair had a higher speed. If it did then I could fell the wind in my face as I moved along, and I could forget I was inside an unsightly embassy that used to be my home. From behind me I hear footsteps. I turn my head around without slowing my wheelchairs movement. It is Zero, following behind me and trying to catch up. "Go away." I say, as I turn my head back to face forward.

I hear the pace quicken. I continue at my highest speed setting. It doesn't make a difference. Eventually I hear it right behind me. It puts a hand on my shoulder, but it quickly is taken away when I move out of it's grasp. "Nunnally, stop." It says to me. I wont slow down. "You can't just storm out like a child." I stop my chair. He bumps into it, apologizes. I turn to face him. I look him in the eye to say this, then I realize there are no eyes. I look to the side. "You seem to keep forgetting that I am a child."  
"Everyone's waiting for you."  
"Since when was everyone incapable of pushing a button?"  
"I think you should ask yourself the same question."  
"You know why not." I turn my chair to leave again, but he grabs my arm. I forgot how strong he was, and he keeps me from moving.  
"Let me go."  
"You can't keep avoiding your duties."  
"You told me they were only my duties if I wanted them. I don't want them. Now let me go."  
"What is it going to take to make this work?"  
"Funeral." He stops. "I want a funeral." He pauses, and I hear a sigh. "Nunnally, you know we can't."  
"Why not?"  
"Because he was a dictator. He killed countless."  
"You know his reasons."  
"The world doesn't. You know how much controversy there would be if we held a funeral?"  
"Is all you care about how the world is going to see you? Are you this wrapped up in being a symbol of 'Hope'? Try downsizing your ego."  
"It's more than that Nunnally, you know that."  
Logically, I understand their reasons. But emotionally, I can't let myself stand behind them. "I know that, I just think it's dumb."  
He looks down."Alright." He says, still not letting go. "But if you're not going to help, we need to make some arrangements." He lets go. I want to leave, but something begs me to stay. Maybe it's the person behind the mask. "What arrangements?" I ask. "Well, if you're not going to participate I can't necessarily have you loitering in this place."  
I retaliate. "Okay. How does a country cottage sound? Surely that's not too much to ask."  
"What about your legs?"  
"Caretaker. I imagine Sayoko is unavailable. Find someone else."  
He pauses, looking just to the side of me. "Nunnally, I know you're hurt, and I know you're angry. I'm here to help you move on, but if we're always fighting I don't think we can do that." Don't do that, don't give me your sympathy. You haven't any to give.  
"Things are changing, and it's hard, I know that."  
Shut up.  
"But think of what Lelouch would have wanted."  
How dare he mention his name. Thinking so highly of himself that he has that right. But I do realize, I've never given the subject much thought. I try to calm myself down, and I think about what he would want, but Suzaku cuts in first.  
"He wouldn't want you to be bitter like you are now. He wouldn't want us to be fighting. He loved you Nunnally, yes. But he realized, if he held such feelings for you, then in a world full of eight billion people there had to be plenty others who didn't want to lose someone, just as much as he didn't want to lose you." This boy, this child... Just a minute ago he was a black void, but now he speaks with such grace.  
"He loved you, he loved me, he loved the people who only wanted to have a safe place to live with their family, and the nobody who only wanted to be able to have a hot meal." How does he do this to me. It never fails.  
"You're being selfish Nunnally. He doesn't belong to you. He was everybody's big brother, not just yours."  
He see's right through me.


	5. Chapter 5

**5**

Somehow I find myself in his arms again. Thinking now that my supply of tears is an endless well. Every time this happens I feel like I couldn't possibly cry more, but I always find myself back in this situation. We go into one of the empty rooms next to us as not to make a scene. I hear "It's okay, it's okay." along with the pitter patter of my tears on the back of his helmet, almost sounding like rain. When I eventually have enough will to move, I remove his helmet. I go to toss it aside, when I see droplets of water trickling out the bottom. Then suddenly, I understand. It may be coincidental, but it makes me understand. The pain of the world was all taken within that mask, so that only the wearer would have to shed so many tears. I look back to Suzaku. His face is wet, and he looks me in the eye. I tell him "I'm sorry Suzaku. I'm sorry I've been so mean to you." My voice barely understandable, cracking here and there. I take hold of him again. "You're all I have left." Practically wailing. "I'm so sorry I've been taking you for granted."

He smiles. "It's okay Nunnally. This is all just part of the process. These things needed to happen. Otherwise we could never move on."  
"I don't want to move on. If I move on then he'll be forgotten."  
"Not even close. It's not the same thing as forgetting. He'll always be with us. Living in our hearts and memories." I sniffle. He laughs a tiny bit. I ask him "What's so funny?" with a smile now inhabiting my expression.  
"When you sniffled just now, you kinda looked like a rabbit." We both laugh. The first genuine laugh for either of us in a long time. Eventually it dies down, and we find ourselves holding each other in silence. Silence, that's the theme of the week. He pulls away from me. The tall, shaggy brown haired, green eyed boy looks me in the eye. "There waiting for us." He tries to leave my embrace, but I keep him here. He notices my reluctancy to let him leave. "Nunnally..." Somehow, he is still the friend I once knew. But now, Lelouch is gone... and he is someone else. I look at the Zero mask and think of Lelouch, and then back at Suzaku, and I see one person. Three, in one.

I pull him closer to me and lay my lips upon his own. He is surprised at first, but then he eases into it, and I close my eyes. He pulls away suddenly, looking awkward and ashamed. "Nunnally, they're waiting for us." I smile at him, saying "Don't be ashamed Suzaku." I put my arms around him tighter. "This is alright, I want this." He looks away from me. "But Lelouch, I don't think he'd want this." I turn his face towards mine and make him look me in the eye. "He was my brother, Suzaku." I giggle. "We have to move on." I say, before kissing him again.

In not long I find him making his own advances. Picking me up and moving me onto the bed beside us. Having him move my legs apart for me since I can't do it myself. I'd always loved the feeling of being carried by someone. It's like a show of utmost trust that they won't let you go. The first few times we moved against each other, it was somewhat painful. But soon it became soothing, like being rocked asleep, but also like an exiting dance made specifically for the two of us.

It was the closest I had ever been to him... but also the farthest...


	6. Chapter 6

**6**

That moment seemed to have lasted forever. The feeling was all to much for me to handle, so I couldn't think of anything else. Afterwards, I felt dirty. Like I had shamelessly rolled in the mud with him watching, and didn't care what he thought. It was primal, and carnal, and I revealed that unsightly side of myself which I had not even know I had in me. But now that I know it's within me, I wish I had never shown it. When it happened, it was like are identities melted away. We were close to each other in the sense that we were together, but as it went on our hearts and minds drifted farther away from each other as our focus grew more towards the sensation.

In not long I started thinking of the repercussions. All that happened after was us putting our clothes back on without a word, and going back to the conference room. I didn't know if he wanted to do it again, have a relationship, or just forget it ever happened. Me? I'm to frazzled to know what I want.

Afterwards we went back to the conference room. I gave in and pushed the Damocles key, and watched it burn up. It was met with applause. Now we have one less thing to cause death in the world. I now see what my brother was striving for, and what all these people who sat beside me wanted to create. I still thought the idea of a perfect world juvenile, but maybe we have moved to a better place. But all that means is that I can't be sad that that's the sacrifice he chose to make. It was justified, and my feelings are not. He made a noble decision, and I've soiled it with my selfishness and desires.

After that, I couldn't remember how I got back to my room. But suddenly I found myself sitting up in my wheelchair with a pen and notepad in my hands. It was the one from the desk, but somehow I had taken hold of it without realizing it. Nothing was written on the page, but the tip of the pen made firm contact with the surface of the paper, and when I removed it it left is solid dot of black ink in the center of the page. I couldn't remember a thing. It somehow feels as if I've woken up suddenly from a dream. Still disoriented and unsure if whether the events of the dream, or of the real world, were the ones currently taking place. If anything this just brings me one step closer to being completely out of touch with reality. I don't know what's happening to me.

I heard a knock at the door. I waited anxiously for a voice to come through so I could know who it was. Eventually I hear "It's me" in that unmistakable sound the Zero mask made to hide it's wearers voice. "Come in" I say. Suzaku enters, closing the door behind him. He takes off his mask and sets it aside. He takes a deep breath and wipes the sweat from his brow. "Hot in there?" I say.  
"Yeah. Part of me wishes Lelouch built an air conditioner in there."  
"There goes my brother again, being inconsiderate." We both laugh. It feels good, being able to talk about him now without getting depressed. I thought that if I did that it would be disrespectful, but now I realize it's what he'd want. Just talking, and making jokes like he was here, almost makes me feel like he actually is.

"Good speech by the way. I had no idea you had that in you Nunnally." He says to me. I look at him confused. "What speech?" I ask. He starts imitating me in my quiet voice, but gives it a bold air about it. "Now that we've removed this symbol of darker times from the world, we can finally move on into a brighter future." He ceases his imitation. "You know, that whole thing. I was impressed."

I don't know what to think of this. I think hard, but no where in my memories was a speech. "Are you sure I said that, Suzaku?" He looks at me, confused. "Yeah. Well, unless you have a little radio hidden in your cheek."  
"Oh. That's odd." I fall back into my daze, just looking at the ground. I gave a speech? Well, I did talk some. Maybe I said some things I forgot about. I look back up and he's kneeling down in front of me. "Nunnally, is everything alright?"  
I raise my gaze to look at him, even though I'm not really looking at him, only my eyes.  
"Yeah, everything's fine. I just forgot some of the things I said, I guess."  
"What things?"  
"Just what you said about darker times, and bright futures. That's all." His face looks concerned now.  
"Okay Nunnally, just let me know if it happens again."  
"Sure, Suzaku..."

He's still looking at me. Trying to read me I think. My gaze wonders back down towards the ground. I'm still puzzled as to what must be wrong. I don't know-

Interrupting my thoughts he lays a kiss on me. It was a bit sudden, that or I just wasn't paying attention. Either way, it unsettled me. I let him follow through as long as he wants, and he pulls away after some time. "It'll be alright" he says. He waits for a response. Uncertainly I say "Okay.". He stands up, now looking down at me. "I have some good news for you as well." This mystery news didn't particularly excite me, but I listened.

"I can't approve a funeral, or even suggest one for that matter. But I may be able to get something close." He reaches into his pocket. When he removes his hand it's closed in a tight grasp. He extends his hand towards me and reveals what's inside. Something I never thought I would see again. My locket.


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

Everything else I had on my mind went away the moment I saw it. My eyes became wide and were at full attention. I took it into my hand, studying all of it's intricacies, it's color. I never knew it was white and gold. It's truly beautiful. "Where did you get this?" I ask. He tells me it doesn't matter. These were the times I want back. The times when I wore this locket. They truly were special.

Seeing it is a sight to behold, but when I see it it's something I do not recognize. I close my eyes and begin to rub my fingers all about it's inlays. It's like I'm seeing it like I did back then, when it was first given to me. I find the seem on the side, and lift it open. It's distinct tune plays a lullaby to my senses. Every time I heard this song, I felt happy. Even if I felt terrible, I'd open this up and be whole again, because when this locket was with me, so was Lelouch...  
What am I doing?

I open my eyes again to see the picture inside. I never knew if it held a picture or not, but now it contained the photo of us all standing outside the school. Me, the student council, Lelouch. I long for those times again. "I didn't realize this was the picture it had inside of it."  
"Really is a good one, isn't it?"  
"It sure is." It truly is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Cutting through the silence I hear "I'm glad you like it. I look back up at him. He has this little smirk on his face. It's honestly kinda cute, but I still don't know what to say to him about earlier.

He doesn't say a word. I start with "Suzaku..." and pause again. Not saying anything for some time. "I'm sorry about earlier. I wasn't thinking straight." He smiles at me. "It's nothing to be worried about Nunnally. In fact..." Why did he pause. It just frays my nerves even more. He leans in to tell me something "It was kinda nice, wasn't it?" I look away from him. "I mean, it felt good, yes. But... I thought you still weren't ready to move on. You know, from Euphy..." The smile leaves his face. "Well, yes. I couldn't truly say that I've forgotten her." He looks me in the eye. "But we have to move on, you know?"

I wish I'd never said that, then I wouldn't of heard it just now. What am I talking about, moving on? I mean yes, I've moved on, but I can't just throw him out like this. I look back up at him. His face looks content, happy. I try to see what I saw before, three in one. Lelouch, Suzaku... this is no replacement. What have I done. I look back down away from him. Silence grips us both.

He tries to speak "Nunnal-" I end it before it begins. That's what I'll do. "I really am sorry Suzaku." I don't see his face, but he doesn't speak. "Like I said, I wasn't thinking straight. I'm really, really sorry." I don't see him, but he see's me. "Can we just forget this ever happened?" I think not to look at him, but for some reason I do. I see his face looking not just depressed, but surprised. Like it was the last thing he expected to hear. The moment I see his expression, I apologize again.  
"I really am sorry Suzaku!" Dead. "I didn't know what I was doing, I just thought-" dumb. " -that well... was feeling lonely and I waned someone to hold me again. It was wrong of me to do that to you. I should have sorted myself out and how I felt before I did anything." Numb. "I really am sorry."

No words. Just that same expression, which is eventually shaken off and turned into something more blank, and a bit angry. He goes "It's fine Nunnally, I didn't realize it meant so little." I've broken him. I've shown him myself and I've broken him. I wouldn't deny his claim of it meaning little to me. I should've considered him before I did anything. I speak "Things are still okay with us, right?" He doesn't answer the question. "Give me some time, okay?" Compliantly I say "Yeah, sure.". I don't watch him leave the room. I turn back to my locket. I've wanted it more then I've ever wanted to feel it in my life. I close my eyes, lift it open from the seem, and I'm taken away by the melody.


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

I thought it would be best if I held the ceremony in the middle of the night. That way I could find no one to interrupt me with talks of politics, or have to explain any more to Suzaku. Everyone was asleep, it was just us. I set out some candles, preferring the natural illumination to the blinding yellow color of electric lights. Everything had to be perfect for tonight, absolutely perfect.

I used my desk as a altar. Candles on both sides, creating a ring of light around the center. I reached to the back of my neck to unhinge the latch of the lockets chain. I took it off and held it in my hand. The color white, the shape of a heart, with gold inlays. It was beautiful. I moved my fingers to the seem where it opened and brought it to be so. I once again saw the picture of all of us, standing outside the school. Millay was waving broadly, making herself known as she always did. Rivalz blushed when she pulled him to her side for the photo. Nina, before she went studying with that earl guy. All before it fell apart. It was nice.

I set the locket in the center of the ring of light. It played its usual melody. I began humming along with it myself. I fixated on the photo, and on Lelouch. It's the only picture I have of him now, since I lost all my others when we evacuated the Tokyo settlement. Then they all got burned up by that fleija. It really is terrible that such a device was created, but I can't hold it against Nina. She didn't know of how it was going to be misused. I focus on the picture again, starring into his eyes. They were lifeless and unmoving. I hoped his expression was due to the image being a photograph, but now I'm worried that may have been how Lelouch was feeling at the time.

He was always so upbeat, and awkward. Just like a regular highschool kid. But now that I know what happened, I question what he was really thinking all that time. If he was sad, felt like he couldn't talk to anyone. But after all my reasoning, I can only come to three conclusions. Either he did it all for me, so we could have a "perfect world". And by searching for a new one, throwing away the one we already beheld before us. The second possibility, for petty revenge. I'd like to think he was above that, but I hate to admit that he was the kind of person who would be inclined to that sort of thing. Or three, and my least favorite; He was bored. A calm life wasn't enough for him. He couldn't truly enjoy those moments of peace with friends, or idly wasting time together. If I'm right about that, then it was all just an act.

I think that maybe if that was the case, he may have been content with his fate. He never cared what anyone thought about him. If he knew he was doing something important, nothing else mattered. And after he accomplished everything he wanted, there was no more left to do. He didn't mind leaving. If that's true, then I guess we weren't enough for him. None of us were ever enough.

I fixate back on the picture. "No way to ask you now, I guess." I say aloud. "I guess I'll just have to assume the best." If I didn't, I don't know what I'd do. I start thinking of other things to say, but it feels kinda silly talking to myself in an empty room at night. But then I think that if I wasn't alone, if he was here... what I would say? My mind begins to sift through the possibilities, and I decide to say them. However silly it may be.

"So, looks like we back in this place again." Thinking of the times he'd hold my hand, and wait for me to fall asleep. It happened right here, in this room. "I was always very happy you'd do that for me. Some nights there was just too much to worry about to go to bed alone." I hear the splattering of tears on the hardwood as I continue. "I really do miss you. I don't know what to do anymore." My breaths become quicker. "I did something terrible to Suzaku." I pause, feeling my heartbeat growing stronger. "I can't even talk to him anymore." I look a the picture, my vision being blurred by the tears in my eyes. His image puts me somewhat at ease. I feel my heartbeat slow. I continue stare at him, almost waiting for a response. "Maybe you'd know what to say, but you were always better at things like chess more than romance."

"I've just been bringing everyone down. They want to move forward, but I'm holding them back." There's a puddle resting in the center of the light circle cast by the candles. "I'm just causing trouble, and now I'm on my own again. How could I have been so stupid." I fantasize about possible ways I could leave the Tokyo settlement, but thanks to my legs I'm mostly out of options. "Maybe I should just move away." I say to the picture. "Then I could just be by myself for a while."

I've been looking at it so long, I almost feel the picture is starring back at me. I wipe some of the tears from my face. "Don't worry big brother. I wont let it get me down. I know that's the last thing you'd want." I close my eyes, and think of our mothers estate, and the memories of being there with Schneizel, Euphy and the others. I think of a place like that. Somewhere quiet, away from people. Maybe it's still even there. "Maybe I just need some time away."

I open my eyes again, to see the pictures unenthused eyes starring back at me. "It's kinda stupid actually." I take a breath. "I could never see it back then, but now it's more evident than anything." People move. They live, they breathe. Pictures stay. Preserved. A moment captured in time. But a picture is dead. It's ink, but it lets us see back in time. It lets me see the glassed over bored expression that I now realize my brother always wore.

I close my eyes and imagine him as I remember him. I remember those very nights we spent in this room. I feel myself smile. I open my eyes again to gaze at the picture. "All I know for sure is how you treated me, and you treated me kindly." I blow out the candle nearest to me. "-And caring." I blow out the next. I look at him again, and smile. "And I loved you too. Thank you.". Hearing a final droplet of liquid fall from my face and tap the hardwood desktop, I take in a breath and extinguish all the candles.


	9. Chapter 9

**9**

It truly was a beautiful estate. Stain glass windows found themselves encased in the soft cobblestone walls. It was the perfect day for a walk. I strolled through the halls, admiring the art that was left here. It's fortunate that Schneizel threw up a ruckus about the emperor tearing it down. After the incident he said there were to many bad memories and wanted it destroyed, but Schneizel pleaded to him not to so that further generations of the royal family could enjoy it's beauty.

That was the last thing Suzaku said to me before I left. When I asked him if I could leave, I couldn't see a change in his expression. He just went to his computer, typed something, and then told me that I would leave in two days, and that he would come to collect me when that time came. After that I laid in my bed just thinking of everything that happened in the last week. I couldn't believe it hadn't even been a week. I found a mantra repeating in my head. "Is it as it should be?" That question got me thinking, and in not long I couldn't stop.

Someone dies, you despair.

You despair, someone else despairs for you.

They try to help, they fail.

You try to send them away so they wont need to suffer as well, they stay.

You try to send them away so they wont need to suffer as well, they stay.

You try to send them away so they wont need to suffer as well, they stay.

They stay even though it hurts, you think you love them.

You think you love them, they think you love them.

They think you love them, they think they love you.

They think that they love you, you think "How is that possible?".

You think "How is that possible?", you realize the truth.

You realize the truth, you don't know weather to lie until you believe it, or to tell them the truth because you never will believe.

You tell them the truth, then something worse than despair happens. They see you for who you are and what you've been all along. They realize the person they thought they saw was never real, and that this other person was masquerading as them. They realize they don't know this person, and that they don't hold an ounce of affection for them. Not only that, they realize they couldn't care less about what happens to them. There we have something more vile than despair, some mix of resentment and apathy that has no single word to describe itself. Once you know what that is, despair becomes a blessing. You begin to think that despair is actually something that should be cherished. You think that despair is one of the purest forms of being, that it only seems right that when something bad happens that we should enter despair. Because despair is caring, if we didn't care then we wouldn't feel anything when a person dies. You start to think that despai _r_ _is love._

You start to think that with so many bad things happening to us every second of every day, how sick and vile it is that we let ourselves forget and become "Happy". That people can greet you with a smile as those souls just scream to be remembered, because they are being forgotten. You start to let yourself fall, because it is the only thing you can do to help those memories, and that anyone who puts their own happiness over the memory of a loved one, is truly the sick one among you two. Even if you can't be happy, you can always be with those memories. That's something more important than happy, it's love. Because no one ever said that love meant you had to be happy, you just assumed it.

You start to replace every "Think" with a "Know", and then you have your equation to the purest form of existence.

But in all reality, the air is warm on my skin, and the flowers do look nice blowing in the wind. And when my hair is picked up by the wind, it does feel good for it to flap around. And the birds singing does appeal, and the blue sky is something to rejoice about. The feeling of warm river water on your skin, and sand between your fingers, and the embrace of someone close to you, and the feeling of kissing, and sex, and people say this is love.


	10. Chapter 10

**10**

I reasoned all that stuff about despair and love before I even left, so I had no regrets about separating myself from the others. I got on the first train there, and Suzaku told me goodbye. I met my new caretaker, some woman with a forgettable face and a forgettable name. No personality of her own. She barely treats me like a person. Too nice and phony, and she thinks she is doing a good job.

Miss caretaker settled me down in my room, told me the bathroom was to the left and we would be having dinner at six. Then she left me to myself. That was at least two days ago, and I've been repeating the same process over and over since then. I feel I'm even starting to lose my sense of time, but who can blame you when life is on infinite repeat.

I've been finding solace in taking strolls. I can only stay on the paved path, but the surroundings are beautiful nonetheless. We haven't had a rainy day since we got here, which it nice. I have found that no one was keeping up the place, so all the hedges that were once cut to look like majestic animals, now only resemble tumbleweeds. People may think that the tumbleweeds would be enough to ruin the awe of this place, but in honesty in builds up it's sense of openness. When I see them it makes me think I'm in a baron desert. A place life has forsaken and forgotten, yet things still manage to bring those who traverse there enjoyment. It's a dead land where everything is at peace. And it's inhabitants (Whether temporary or not), can still find something to marvel at, and a reason to live. I wonder if all the tiny reptilian creatures who live there think that they're living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? I suppose not. They never knew anything different, so to them this is the normal standard of living.

If they learned of places such as this one, with water and grass, I suppose they would consider it heaven. There are still problems obviously, but it beats living in a desert. So a desert inhabitant thinks of a place with water heaven, but what if we're just like the lizards? If the earth is actually just a desert, and when the inhabitants of a higher place see us they think "They are living in a dead wasteland.". I wonder what it would take for humans to consider something a heaven? Lack of suffering I suppose, that's what they all want. They don't realize that no matter where you are, there is no such thing.

But if those who dwell in a heaven to humans, consider earth a hell, then what to they consider heaven? In most likelihood they don't think where they are living now is a heaven, because no one will ever be satisfied with what they have. And if people live in _their_ heaven, what do those people consider heaven? And if there's always another heaven to go to, then does it really matter? Greater existence extends infinitely in one direction, as does lesser existence. So truly the way to go to heaven, is by not knowing that any higher or lesser form of living exists. If all you know is what you have, you'll never pointlessly chase after what you don't. And even if you did, once you got there it would be no different from where you left. All you'd have to do next is chase after the heaven to the heaven, and the heaven to that heaven, until one day you die or stop moving all together.

Then I realize I'm living in a wasteland. A world filled with death, and hate. But I also realize I'm living in a paradise. Without the ability to hate, there would be no sense of meaning when one could love. Strangely, I start to appreciate my situation. I may not have them now, but at one time I had Lelouch, and Suzaku, and my friends. But now I have solitude and peace, time to think. Even without them, I feel just as close to their memories as I was to them. And now, even without companions I can contemplate the nature of a tumbleweed. I think I'm going to keep strolling.

Lush leaves, flowing water, wind, sand, grass, anthills, sunbeams, bird calls, silence. All in one place. I like being alone with these things.


	11. Chapter 11

**11**

Every day begins and ends the same. In the mornings I wake up, but don't get out of bed for a couple of hours, maybe fall back asleep and wake again a couple times, or just bask in this suffocating dissociation that has become everything I perceive. Part of me likes it, but part of me would rather just fall asleep again. I've found that sometimes consciousness isn't really all that worth it. Every time that I fall asleep, somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that when I wake up everything will be back the way it was and I will want to get out of bed again, but as of yet that hasn't come to pass. I wish that thought would just go away completely, maybe then I could fully accept what has come to pass.

Most people have extraordinary goals, dreams or things they want to do. All it is I wish to do anymore is become completely content with the way things are and accept my sadness. I don't even want to try to be happy anymore, and I'm still mulling over whether or not I want to be happy at all. Happiness is sick anyways, things are better off without it.

I sit up in my bed. Observing the room, I find it's lit with a dim grayness as it always is, seeing as I am no longer fond of open curtains. When I first saw it I was shocked at how similar it was to my room at Ashford. Although the Ashford family were technically nobles, so I suppose it makes sense that the designs were similar. Perhaps this estate even had the same designer as the school. I wouldn't think it impossible. I am somewhat discontent with the size of the room though. It's much bigger. I quite preferred the closed in comfort of my dorm at the academy, even though there was less room to move around.

I pull the covers off of myself and slide into my wheelchair beside my bed. I move the directional knob on the arm rest to move forward, but rather than move it sputters. Giving only slight inching movements every two seconds or so. I look down and the charging cable. Just as I thought, unplugged. I must've forgotten/not cared enough to plug it in last night. I stretch my body to reach down and plug it in, and I grab hold of the cable, but the wall outlet is just out of reach. I push myself up from the wheelchair with my hands and lean my body over the arm rest. I reach, and just barely push it into the socket, and just as I do I find myself tumbling over the edge of my wheelchair and onto the carpet, my feet still resting atop the arm rest.

Laying of my face, I decide the carpet is rather comfortable. It's soft and warm, so I stay there for a moment losing myself in the comfort. Although, after not long, I remember my original goal, and decide I would rather do that than admire the carpets softness. It was a tough decision. I realize I'm not getting anywhere with my feet up on the arm rest, so I take my hand and push the first on off. I falls to the floor with a thud, it might of even hurt if I could have felt it. I move on to the next leg and do the same. Now with my whole body all in the same place I can try to get back in. I push myself backwards along the carpet with both my hands in order to get a better position to climb into the chair. Once I see the seat in front of me, I grab hold of the arm rests and try to pull myself up. I yank on them, and find myself lifting. Once I'm up far enough, I grab onto the back of the seat with one hand, and then the next. I pull myself up with that, but now there's the problem of me sitting chest backwards in my wheelchair. This would seem easy to fix, but with two lifeless appendages attached to your body you need to be rather careful not to fall back off as you turn yourself around. I begin the turn, and I feel myself slipping, so I pull harder on the chair to keep myself from falling. Eventually, I'm sitting face forward in my wheelchair once again.

I look back down at the cord, making sure it has enough length to it to get to where I need to be. I seems it will make it most of the way. I face forward, and push forward on the directional knob to move. I'm back at my regular pace and am within reach of my destination, and just as I reach it I hear a tiny thud from behind my and my wheelchair stops. I look over my shoulder to find that I moved to far, and the plug was pulled out of the socket. Stranded on the other side of my room I consider if it's worth either crawling back to plug it in, or to wait for Miss (I can't remember her name) to bring me breakfast and ask her to plug it in. It should be charged in case I need it, although I have nowhere I need to be, so worst case scenario I lay in bed a little longer.

I shrug it off and prepare myself to move to my desk chair. I reach out and pull the wood and leather swivel chair closer to myself, and I transfer my body from one chair to the other. Once I'm in the swivel chair, I grab hold of the desk and pull myself closer in front of it. I press the power button on my computer and it greets me with that familiar jingle that this brand of computer makes. Once it's on I find the chess icon on my desktop and double click. The window opens up in front of me with a message saying "Start new game" or "Resume previous game". I click resume. I try to remember my strategy to capture the king from yesterday, but I can't seem to recall it. I examine the board layout more intensely to help jog my memory, when I notice several pieces out of place. One of the rooks is far from where it used to be, my pawns are all over the place. In fact, I seem to have captured more pieces than I remember. I try to recall if I perhaps continued my game in the middle of the night, and then just assumed it was a dream the next morning, but I don't recall a thing. I look at the pieces closer, I think about the layout, and realize that with this setup I'm only one move away from victory. I click on my bishop, an move it to the left side of the board. I'm greeted with bold white text saying "Checkmate! You Win!", as animated confetti falls across the screen.

Something is definitely wrong. Very, very wrong. Miss _no-name_ couldn't have done it, seeing as I have to remotely unlock my door in the mornings so she wont bother me while I'm sleeping. I look around the room to see if anything else is out of place, but everything looks fine. I doubt someone broke in, they would have taken something, not just played chess. That's when I hear another "Ding" come from my computer. I look back at the screen, and on it, the media player just opened and has begun a video, starring none other than myself.


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

I stare at the webcam shot footage that I have no memory of shooting. I'm looking straight into the camera with some somber expression on my face just before _me on the screen_ takes in a deep breath.

I've lost it.

Me on the screen begins with lengthy "Hi, Nunnally.". I wonder why I feel I need to introduce myself to myself, seeing as I have already met myself. At this point I just want to smash the screen so I wont need to deal with this insanity, but the shock of this moment makes me feel as if I can't turn my eyes away from it.

"No doubt you're wondering what this is all about." I certainly am, me. "I'm sorry for doing this to you for so long, I should have spoken up sooner, but couldn't really find the strength. I now realize my reluctance has only made things worse, seeing as for some reason I've awoken back at mothers estate." Without even noticing it I've begun hyperventilating slightly. I try to control my breaths, but the insanity my metal state has reached leaves no room inside of me for control, although I manage to not pass out, and continue to watch the video.

 _Computer me_ looks somewhat frazzled. "I should just come out and say before I change my mind." _Computer me_ pauses for a moment, all the while the me that is currently hyperventilating continues to hyperventilate, while the other me finishes her pause and keeps speaking.

"This is Lelouch speaking."

I can't help but start to vomit, but there happens to be nothing inside of me _to_ vomit, so instead saliva just drips onto my pajamas as I convulse. I must be insane, no, I am insane. I quickly hit the spacebar to pause the video, and continue to _not_ vomit, and hyperventilate more. "I've obviously lost it", I think as my body starts to shake as I break into a sweat. I place my hand on the locket around my neck and hold it. I try to remember everything as it was, how happy we all were. Anything to calm me down. Those memories are all I live for now,I need them, I have to remember them, just remember them!

I feel as if I can't control myself any longer, and my whole body goes as numb as my legs, which loosens my grip around the locket. Unable to keep myself sitting upright anymore I fall out of my chair and onto the floor. I feel the shaking and my breathing increase in intensity, even though I can't really feel anything.

 _I'm a psycho, it's decided._

 _You hold onto a dead persons memory so much that you start pretending you're him, that's actually kinda hilarious._

 _You're not getting out of this now._

 _You've lost it! there's no chance of you ever being sane again at this point._

 _Shall we go find an Ashford academy boys uniform and start masquerading as him? Psycho._

 _Psycho._

 _This is what happens when you get close to someone._

 _Maybe this is what should happen._

 _To love is to suffer, are you not suffering?_

The convulsions and breathing get worse.

 _All this means is that you're filled with love for another!_

 _Love more! Love more!_

 _If you end up dying from this, you can finally be with him._

 _Sick. You're sick._

 _You wont die, nothing is ever that easy._

I feel my breathing slow.

 _What's this? Are you letting go of all this love at a moment like this?_

I feel my breathing slow.

 _Say goodbye to Lelouch, this is what we call_ _moving on._

I feel my breathing slow.

 _Moving on, it's the nice way of saying that you're letting him die._

I find myself resting on the carpet with a moist patch beside my mouth and drool running down my cheek. I once again admire the softness of the carpet, and I swear it feels more comfortable than anything I've ever felt. I lay there for who knows how long. Still feeling decently high from the lack of sufficient oxygen. I need to take some time to catch my breath, and I do. When I feel strong enough to move, I climb back into the chair in the same fashion I did the wheelchair. Once I'm up there I feel lightheaded again. My vision blurs and I struggle to keep my head up. I seem to have gotten up to fast, and feel myself fall as my vision blurs again.

I wake up with my upper body draped over the arm rest. I think about bringing myself upright again, but I decide to take a moment as to avoid passing out. After a fair amount of time, I give it another shot. I use my hands to keep myself upright for the first moments of sitting upright, and after some time I feel as if I can sit up on my own. Such intense and unwavering focus on such a trivial task, helps me clear my head, takes my mind off of everything for an instant. I rest my hands at my side, and my gaze drifts back to the computer screen. "This is messed up beyond belief." I think. I put my hand on the spacebar to start the video again, but I can't seem to make myself do it. My hand lays there motionless. When I don't know what to do, I touch the locket again, and it feels as smooth and elegant as ever. I place it in the palm of my hand and gaze upon it. I've forgotten what really matters again. As long as I have these memories with me, even if I go crazy, it will have been worth living on. But then I look back at the screen to see " _myself"_. I'm bombarded with all the uncertainty I've become all too familiar with. I look back at the locket, and run my finger along the inlays. I open it to see the picture again, and the melody starts to play. All those familiar faces, and this beautiful familiar song. Everything will be okay, everything will be okay.

I hit the spacebar to start the video. I... I mean Lelouch, I guess, keeps talking.

"This is going to be hard to explain, but you're gonna have to bear with me." It's unsettling listening to my _supposed_ brothers words leave my mouth on the recording. "I don't know how much you really understood about Geass," Oh, so this has to do with Geass, does it? I suppose Geass could somehow be an explanation, although, seeing as I thought of that just now, perhaps in my insanity I could have fabricated it. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

"I'm gonna just have to explain this assuming that you don't know a lot. I'm pretty sure you know that I wasn't the only one with Geass, nor was the kind I possessed the only variety of Geass. One thing I don't think you know is that it is possible to obtain Geass from another person." I mean, I _guess_ that's possible.

"It's called a persons code, and it can be taken. Our father took his brothers code to steal his immortality, which was the form of his geass. But it can happen, and it happens that I knew someone who possessed a unique form of Geass." I keep listening.

"This person had the capability to transfer her consciousness, or soul, you might call it, into another persons body." I start to change my mind. This is too far fetched to be true, I'm just insane. It can't be true.

"She could share the body with it's original inhabitant, taking control as she wished. I've tried not to infringe to much on you, and that's why I haven't really been taking control a lot." Yeah right, this is a fantasy.

"After Suzaku stabbed me on that day, and you were by my side, well..." He paused, although part of me felt as if I already knew what he was going to say. "When I was beside you, do you remember seeing a flash of all my memories of what had happened?" Wait, code. He said code before, I'm sure of it. Suzaku told me that I saw Lelouch's memories because I got his... code. Is this true? Is all this seriously true? It could be a lie, but it feels to complex. It feels to, unfortunately, accurate. Could this really be Lelouch?

"That was the moment I... um, used that Geass. You seeing my memories was a side effect of the transfer." This is starting to make too much sense and it's terrifying me. I grab hold of my pajama top in the center of my chest and start squeezing it to release tension. It doesn't work very well. "I really wish that I could've done it to someone else, but you were the only person I could make eye contact with, and well..." I waited, but he never finished his sentence. "I know this is hard to grasp, but that's why I've recorded this message. I figured a good way for us to communicate would be to film these messages, and then respond to one another with more videos. As far as I can see it's the only way we can talk, and if there's a possibility I'd still like for us to be able to talk to each other. Not exactly like before, but close as we can get I think, cause obviously, I still want to be your brother."

The emotions I found myself barraged with our practically inexplicable. One moment love, then disgust, then doubt, then love again. Hearing something like this does that to you, I guess. If it's a lie, I'm crazy. If it's true... I should be happy, right? I tried to let go of him the best I could, but now I don't need to. I really, really want to be happy about this, though I don't feel I will let myself jump all the way in. I wish I could, but I guess I'm to afraid of getting hurt again.

"I was hoping we could work out the logistics of how to share a body, but," He laughs. "I got cold feet. I mean it is kinda awkward telling your sister that you also share her body from now on." He, I, started to look somber again. "I am so, so sorry, but I hope that even though this is strange, that you would understand and hopefully, be happy about it, I hope." He smiles. "I mean, now we can be brother and sister again. We'll have to communicate through prerecorded messages, and letters, but we can still do it. I hope that's what you want." He took in a breath.

"I'd also like to say, and also ask, if you don't think you can handle a position of power, it's possible that I could do it for you. Actually, I would rather like to. Because of your work you've done already, you're in line for a high ranking position, possibly even prime minister. You're obviously skilled politically, but if it's not something you'd like to pursue, I could. Although if you would like to do it, maybe we could work together." After bearing a simple smile, he looked down at his feet nervously, just as I find myself doing before I say something unpleasant. It worried me.

"I'd also like to ask, are you doing alright? I mean, I don't wanna sound arrogant, but I'm sure what happened hurt you, and I'd hope that me being alive would be closer to a happy surprise rather than a shock, but if I were in your position I would be pretty confused about how to feel. I don't know how things have been for you, but no matter how good or bad they were, I hope that I can help make things better. I hope the world is a gentler place, just like you had wanted, and I hope that we can work this out. I'll try and take control tomorrow night so I can watch any message you've left me. If that's not enough time then that's okay, I'll just check in every night to see if there's anything you want to say."

"I've created a password protected folder on the desktop marked "Messages". The password is _Paper Crane,_ with a capital _P_ and _C,_ and a space in between _Paper_ and _Crane."_ I couldn't help but tear up at that. He may have killed people, but he can be a sentimental softie as well, despite his murderous tenancies.

He laughed gently and awkwardly. "Thought it would be kinda nostalgic, you know? After you film any videos, save them to that folder and I will watch them when I get the chance." A somber look overtook his face once more. "I'm sorry for doing this to you, I wish there was a way I could have lived on without doing this, but the world needed to think I was dead." He paused again. "We'll make this work." Looking straight into the camera...  
"I love you, little sister."

The video stopped, paused on the final frame. I feel as if I want to go back to bed so I don't need to worry about what to do about this, but I also wish to feel overjoyed at the apparent survival of my brother. I honestly don't know how to feel about anything anymore.


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

This world is cruel. Our souls are cruel. Whenever we get something we've been wanting, suddenly we desire it no longer. That or we are at least unsure of how to feel. I wonder how close I was to moving on? Even though I demonized it, I wonder what would have happened. Now that I know that my brother is still alive, not letting go of him feels less important than it used to.

When he was gone, it's like his picture was clearest within my mind. Now, it is wavering. Maybe this Lelouch will not align with my picture of Lelouch, and the picture is something I hold far too dear, to want to let go of. I realize now that the nature of my obsession wasn't for Lelouch, but for how I thought of him. Now that he's returned, I'm unsure if he's someone worth being obsessed about. My faith that he cares about anyone but himself continues to waver with every passing moment, and my suspicion of his innate boredom acting as his drive is becoming more prevalent. He just wanted to be able to rule through my body, needed to stay alive, and I was his only option. Yes, that could very well be his intention. Either way. I guess he wasn't bored enough to let himself die just yet.

But what about how he treated me? I saw his love for me first hand, and so did everybody else. I was the only person he truly cared for.

He cared for me for himself. When you find yourself purposeless, transforming another person into your purpose is a viable remedy. But who knows, maybe that is love. I find my thoughts dissonant, but in truth, dissonant is what Lelouch was. Sometimes it seemed as if I was all that mattered, sometimes he did what was best for himself. An inconsistent person leaves an inconsistent image. Even knowing he chose to violate my body and mind to keep himself alive, he may even _believe_ he did that for me. He has no choice, if he had to bear the truth it would probably destroy him. This is all of course assuming the validity of my assumptions.

That is what I hate the most. If I find an answer in one light, the next light says the contrary. How am I supposed to know which light is true? Maybe there isn't even a true one, maybe he just changed his mind. At least when he was dead I knew what to think. Part of me doesn't even feel that the person who spoke to me in that video was even really him. He's changed so much since I was last close with him. I think it's more likely than not that he is different than before.

Why did he even bother? The world is in good hands. Suzaku and everyone else can handle this no problem. I suppose he could be just that arrogant to think we can't function without him, or just so much of a coward that he refused to die, even though the only life that awaited him from here on out would be half a life. Half a stolen life. If he just could have survived without doing anything to me, maybe I would be looking at this differently. It seems somewhat superficial, but if he had his own body with him, things would be better. I can never truly speak to him again, all I can ever do is leave messages. He wasn't taking back the life he would have lost, he was taking half my life and keeping it for himself.

There's nothing for him to do anymore, his story has ended. The _hero_ has _saved_ the world, fade out, roll credits. He always saw himself as the protagonist, I think. Stupidly he's choosing to exist even though the book has closed on his storyline. The story was all he ever really lived for though, living without it he is going to find himself wishing to die once more.

All is right with the world. Peace has been achieved. We have no more need for saviors, yet the savior grovels for his meaningless life to continue nonetheless. Jesus has risen from the tomb, and chooses to live among humans, and if he always knew he was not to die, was what he did truly a sacrifice? Perhaps all he is waiting for is for the next great disaster to occur, then he can play his stupid game once more. Pawn to F5, queen to B3, and being the puppet master was all that truly ever made him feel alive.

… Perhaps I am being to harsh on him. Thinking about it now, if and when things happen to upheave in our peace, he could be amazingly useful. Is it arrogance if you are actually just that important? Either way, he may end up being needed in the future. And who am I kidding, I don't know how to run a government. Maybe I'm good at rallying it's people, but I'm not very good at the details. With his ability to play chess with the world, and mine to be an image of hope and love in the world, maybe that would be the perfect formula for a leader.

I would be afraid of dying as well, I mean, who wouldn't? I still feel as if what he has done to me is wrong, but with his utilitarian moral compass I can't really blame him. I probably would've done the same if I were in his place. Maybe I should stop worrying about the intentions, and focus more on the results.

So what if he did this for himself? Isn't that your right as a human? Even so, deep down I feel as if we all love each other for ourselves at least a little bit. Not to say that altruism is nonexistent, but even altruists can't be altruistic all the time, and thinking about it, maybe we shouldn't be feeling shameful of that. Even though he's been gone, I've been demanding so much of him. I've built him into this perfect person within my head, and the truth is that he's not perfect. He lies, he is selfish, he disregards other people, he will hurt others if he believes it to be necessary, but maybe that's the point of loving someone. Brother is honestly walking the line between good and bad, doesn't mean I will stop loving him for it.

I can't say that I could always stand beside him no matter what he does, there are things I could not support even if I wanted to stand beside him. But maybe I can stand beside everything he's already done. I saw his memories clearly, and I can say that in his case, I think he did the right thing. Not everything he does has to be for me, in fact it shouldn't, but maybe I can make more of the things I do about him, now that it turns out that he's alive.

It's still going to be tough learning to live sharing a body, but it can work if done properly. With the rewards it will yield by us working together, and talking to each other through the video, the price if far lower than what it should be. I mean, he's not dead! This is fantastic! If I had learned of him being alive the day of his death, I would have been thrilled, so why not be thrilled? Instead of death, a new door has been opened, and there is so much more to come for the both of us. The world has been saved, and together we can keep it that way! I feel as if we will be strong not only in this aspect, but in our day to day lives as well. If we always look on the bright side of things and never give up our hope, our drive to be happy will be stronger than the challenges in our way.

… But what if he doesn't feel the same way? Just listen to me, I'm obsessed. I can't deny it, I've already said how much I love him _over_ and _over_. If he knew how I felt about him, I'm worried it might scare him off. Although I can't just go about our relationship not letting him know. He's the only person who has always been on my side, and we've always spent our lives together. It would be insanity for me to want that to change. In fact, how I feel makes more sense considering that we've grown up together. But, is that a valid reason for how I feel? Or am I just sick? This could easily be my obsession with the _image I built of him_ speaking again, but I don't think I could keep this in. Even if it is sick, if it makes us happy then what's the problem? Isn't that all that should matter? I want him to know how much I care about him, but telling him could destroy all that we have. The way he's treated me I'd like to think that he feels the same way, and that our blood relation wouldn't matter to him, but unfortunately there's no way to be sure. Even if he was, well, _grossed out_ by it, would he let that destroy what we have already? I think he might be willing to go on, even though he would know that we both saw things in a different light. I mean, even if he doesn't feel the same way, if we can move past that and stay happy, does it really matter?

. . . . . I turn on the computer's web cam and begin recording my response.


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

"...Hey, Lelouch. Obviously, I saw your message." I pause for an uncomfortable amount of time, not knowing what to say. "I want it to be clear from the start that I'm happy about this. I mean, yes I do feel a bit uncomfortable with the whole _body sharing_ thing, but given the alternative I think it's rather good." I realize I have been staring at my feet. Trying to seem confident, I look into the camera. "I really am happy about this, I swear. I'm more happy than I've ever been! I don't want you worrying about that anymore, because there's no need to worry whatsoever." I look around the room, remembering his question. "Oh yeah." I look at the camera again. "I kinda just felt I needed some time to... clear my head, after everything that had happened. That's why I came here."

That's when it dawned on me, and I remembered everything that happened with Suzaku. Lelouch is going to find out, I know it. There's no way I can keep it from him, he's going to speak to Suzaku and he'll drop some offhanded comment about that one time we _did it_. That could ruin everything, but then again, his sister and his best friend, maybe he'd be happy? If that's the case, then it's the worst thing that could happen. I mean, I want him to be jealous, but I don't want him to be to upset as to never forgive me for it.

What am I saying! I'm his sister! He's going to be fine with it, and if he's fine with it he's not going to be fine with everything I want us to be! Unless he isn't, in which case he'll force himself to move on because I've obviously showed interest in someone else! He'll give up. I can't let him do that! I need to let him know before that happens.

I realize I've been silent for over half a minute now. I look back at the camera, almost surprised. "I'm sorry, I kinda zoned out there." I cease to speak once more. Preparing myself, I take in a deep breath. "I want you to know something Lelouch." I look down at my feet again. "You're the world to me. When you died, that world ceased to exist." I feel the tears pooling on my eyelids. The feeling of finally letting everything I've felt be known to him, it's overwhelming. "You can't believe how happy I am that you're alive! There's nothing in the world I wanted more." My face becomes increasingly more damp as I speak. "That's why you have to know... You have to know how I feel about you." I can just imagine his heart stopping in dread the moment he watches this, I'm such a fool, although at this point, I don't feel like I can stop myself, telling him feels too warm. "All our lives, we've always been together, just you and me. Sure there were other people along the way, but our lives were shared. You have always been the person closest to me... and I want it to stay that way.".

I think for a moment, staying silent on the video. After the moment, I reach downwards to grasp the bottom of my pajama shirt and lift it above my head. After it was removed I tossed it to the side. I stay there for another moment, giving him the chance to look at me if he wants. I glance at the camera again, but then get nervous and look away. "I hope this is what you want" My crying has slowed at this point. "I know we can't really do this traditionally, or face to face, considering the limitations, but I hope this will do.". Once I feel ready, I reach around my back to unbuckle my bra strap.


	15. Chapter 15

**15**

How could I have been so stupid? I was so impulsive, in the moment. I had all the time in the world, I could have just paused the stupid video and taken some time to think about it. I even freaking enjoyed it! Am I some sort of exhibitionist now? I couldn't even control my sex drive for five stupid minutes. Although, I suppose this is the proper punishment for throwing something so absurd at my brother. I'm such a child.

The messages stopped. After I recorded that video, I think it freaked him out. The messages _stopped_. That first video was all I ever received. I can't blame him though, I mean seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know if he's just taking some time to deliberate the situation, or if he's forsaken me altogether. I used to think that given enough time to think about something, Lelouch could solve anything. Any problem, he could do it. In a way I was right, well, when it comes to fighting, and outsmarting people. Love? He's no more skilled than a child when it comes to that.

I wonder how many more days it'll be until I'll get a response, if I ever get a response. I wouldn't blame him. Although, now that we share a body I guess killing myself is off the table. I'd turn myself into a murderer as well. There's nothing left for me in this world anymore. Everyone I love and who once loved me I've driven away. All I ever do now is lie in bed, pleasure myself (Not knowing what else to do), and wait for the next day to come to do it all over again. It's strange though, when I think of ending my life one of the things popping into my head is "Well, you could always masturbate again". Is that really the only thing that matters to me anymore? I tried and failed with everyone else, but I always have myself. It's so sick that a bodily, involuntary drive can hold so much power over you. I want to die. I want to die, that's for sure, but this drive says "No, stay". I don't even want to do it, it's just what calls to me the most. It's the thing I don't want to do, the least.

If Lelouch could see me now, if he could hear my thoughts. I'm so sick. What ever happened to that cute innocent little sister I was? Why'd she have to go? When did a love for paper cranes and simple things turn into a depressed heap which could be best described as a bodily drive in the form of a person? Where did my love for tea, and friendship go? I don't want anything anymore. That child I was is dead, and maybe I should have been killed _for real_ back then as well. That way I always would have been the child, that's all anyone ever would have known, and no one ever would have suffered because of me. If I died then. the girl I was never would have rotted away, and I never would have hurt Lelouch and Suzaku, the two people I cared about most. One was my brother, the other was like a brother. I tried to screw them both, one worked, one didn't. They both ended in failure though. I've lost them for good, and I've destroyed the image of _innocent Nunnally_ for them both. Now all they'll see me as is this crazy hormonal girl trying to screw everybody around her. Well, that is once they both end up talking to each other, and swap stories about all that I've done to them.

Where did I go? This _new me_ deserves death, yet I cannot grant such a mercy. Even if we didn't share a body, I doubt I would have the guts to actually do it. I'm to possessed by my primal instincts to stay alive and to seek out connection. I don't want either, but my instincts tell me to seek for them nonetheless. So in reality, is there such a thing as a person? Or are we all just well disguised heaps of meaningless _wants?_ Every last one of which, has been given to us by our evolutionary drive to survive. It all boils down to that. Everything like love, passion, joy, art, satisfaction, is just a word we use to describe those basic needs, but romanticized to the point of absurdity. Everything we love is just a more complex version of "Eat, drink, reproduce, avoid harm". It's all I am at least.

This is really, really hurting me. I'm afraid I've broken things to the point of being irreparable... But we are family after all. For heavens sake, we even share a body now. It's not like he can keep this up forever. He has to respond sooner or later.


	16. Chapter 16

**16**

I am really starting to miss him. How long can he go on like this? We share a body, he has to speak to me sometime! But when he does, he'll see me in a completely different light. I'm not his sister anymore, I took that away from him for my own selfish desires. I wonder how many times he's taken control of me since I left that message? If rather than discuss how to work this out, he just takes control with no intent to ever contact me. Sure, it must of hurt him, but at some point we need to work things out! By not speaking to me he's already given his answer, I guess I can try to live with that.

… But I miss him so so much. Part of me still holds onto the idea that things will go back to the way they were, even though it's unrealistic. I don't think we'll ever be the same, it would be pretty surprising if we did.

 _Get over yourself, it's impossible._

… But I miss him, so so much. Do I really have to force myself to come to terms with this, never speaking to him again? I mean sure, he's probably upset, but we've been together all our lives. If I make myself start thinking realistically, I think he's a better person than to turn tail and run away from his sister because of something that can hopefully be worked through. But if that's the case, why hasn't he responded? Maybe I should leave another message to pressure him.

No, that feels too mean. I need to let him handle this at his own pace, and however long that takes, I'm his sister and should wait for him. He seems like a really strong person, but on the inside he's actually really vulnerable. It must have hurt him, realizing how I feel about him. He's probably blaming himself, saying he acted to close to me or somehow led me on. I really don't want him to feel guilty for acting lovingly to me, seeing as I loved being treated that way by him. When he responds, I'll reassure him that he's not to blame. If he's to blame for anything at all, it would be for being too lovable. I just need to know how to console him for when the time comes, I'm his sister after all, I want to be there for him when he needs me.

Please, come home soon.


	17. Chapter 17

**17**

I don't want to be left behind. He is all that truly matters to me in this world, I don't want him to go! I couldn't of driven him away with that, he'd need more than that to scare him off! I mean, he's Lelouch! Lelouch always no how to handle tough stuff... Anything for that matter! I'm sure he's just having problems with taking control. If he can't do that, then he can't leave a message. It's a perfectly reasonable explanation, the simplest answer if often the right one. I just have to wait, he'll work it out eventually...

… But then, maybe he hasn't seen the message yet. There's still time for me to delete it, it could save everything. But if he hasn't seen it, how will I know if how he feels about the idea of me and him together? Is it worth risking? With how terrible I feel now, maybe it would just be better to get rid of it.

I sit at the computer desk with the mouse cursor over the file I left the message in. I let it rest there, as if no one was holding the mouse. I move the mouse around the page, just to remind myself that I do indeed still have the ability to move. I can make a difference, I can change what I've done and stop all that I'm worried will happen from happening, if I just give up on this childish and delusional idea of romance.

I click on the video icon and hold down the mouse button, and drag it across the page and hold it over the trash bin icon. This is it, if I do this I give up. I never try again, it's not worth it. This is saying goodbye to the possibility of a future with him, with him always there for me, and I for him, and not being afraid to share anything with each other. The most personal things, even things that would make most uncomfortable, we could talk about them freely. We could talk about how we like to be held, how we like to be treated in bed, how we feel when with each other.

I speak about him almost as if he is his own person. Being held is impossible, being with him is impossible. It's video messages from now on, nothing more. We can never truly spend time with each other again. I'm going to be alone, that's my destiny now. I can't even end my loneliness, that would kill Lelouch too. Even though I love him, I feel as if I am chained to this reality, waiting for a family member to return from battle, even though I know well he will likely never return. Just when I think that I've moved on, I may get the occasional letter from the battlefield, letting me know he's alive, and losing all the ground I covered in the process of moving on from his memory. That's how it should be though, me always waiting, him always gone. We're separated by a thin wall, but one that keeps us apart nonetheless. That wall is never to be broken down. The wall is as absolute as life itself. Is a relationship with a person on the other side of a wall really worth it? What am I saying, this is Lelouch I'm talking about! Of course it's worth it!... It's worth it... It's worth it? For heavens sake, I don't know a single thing about being a proper human being, do I? Make up your mind already! Do you want him, or not? Are you willing to risk what you have, or not? Is what you have worth protecting, or not? Make up your mind!

…. I stay there with the video suspended over the trash icon for who knows how long, I've lost track of time. I feel almost comatose, as if I can't move. There's no clear decision, no clear thing that I want. Maybe waiting here, remaining stagnant and motionless is what's best. I can't make a decision, let time do it for me. Maybe my hand will slip, thus dropping the video into the trash bin and making my decision for me. Maybe Lelouch will take over and I'll lose consciousness, thus deleting the video, but he may have already seen it anyway. Or perhaps my hand will slip in just the right way so that it is only dropped _next_ to the trash bin, leaving the video intact. If I stay here, something is bound to come my way. I don't even dread it as much as I thought I would. Once something happens I'll be free from this quandary. The decision will be made and there will be no going back. From that point, I can just focus on dealing with the consequences of my actions, rather than fretting over the decision of which consequences I'd prefer to face.

I stay there, motionless, waiting for something to happen.


	18. Chapter 18

**18**

Eventually I had to go. The necessities of keeping a body from dying kept me from remaining there forever. I left the video on the desktop. At this point I don't even really suspect a response. I'm used enough by now to staying in this perpetual unknowingness. It almost feels more comfortable than I did when I was "Happy" per say. This is my life now, and I'm okay with that. Maybe someday things will change, maybe they wont. Facts such as this are ones that have become forefront in my mind, and I have accepted them because they are in fact, facts, and I cannot change what is truth. Maybe we'll be together, maybe we wont, who knows. Maybe he'll be happy with what I said in the video, maybe he wont. I hope he is. Maybe we'll go back to Suzaku and the others and help make the world a better place. I did in fact say we would make a good team. Maybe all this will happen. Maybe all of us will be happy again. Maybe even though that we're sad sometimes, maybe it's just part of the process. That's it, it's all just a part of the process, I'm sure. Like I said, to despair is to love. We all need some love in our lives, whether it be love celebrated in joy or in sorrow, it is love. Maybe to live itself is to love.

The very fact that I haven't ended my own life as of yet it a statement that I have something to live for. That's hope, even now I still have hope. Maybe that's a sign that things will get better. Maybe that hope will turn into reality, and that reality will turn into something greater than ourselves, something greater than every single one of us. Greater than my seemingly inescapable despair, but personally, I never want to escape love, no matter what form it takes.

Maybe someday I will open the folder in which we were to contain our messages to each other, and find a new video file within it. Yeah, that could happen. That _could,_ happen. It's what I hope happens. I suppose there's always the chance that that day will come, maybe I should just be patient.

When that day comes, maybe I will want to live again. Maybe the world will turn from gray it's taken on, to the color it once embodied, and my story will resume right where it left off. Maybe we'll be together as lovers, maybe we wont. Either way, I look forward to the day I can call Lelouch my brother again, and he can call me his sister. I look forward to the day when I can make him smile again.

Huh, maybe I will make him smile. I really, really hope so.


	19. Chapter 19

**19**

I can't decide if I want to get up or not. My usual train of thought, when confronted with this question, is if I really can't make up my mind, is just to stay in bed. It is easier to do nothing, rather that to waste all the effort and energy to actually do something. Not to mention the effort it takes to think of something to do, and to convince yourself that the thing you just thought of, is worth doing. Even these simple tasks, I've turned into something so formulated and mathematical. I've learned that if I don't defer to some sort of device to help myself with such things, I just wont end up doing them at all. I mean, generally, the same things happens even with my little motivational games, but it works better than trying to muster will on my own. I just hope I don't get to the point where I start using dice. What I mean by that, is that if my will to have desire for anything at all, becomes to faint or weak, I have this idea in my head that I'll make all my decisions by rolling dice. If I get to the point where I care so little about my actions, It wont matter what I do, hence I'll just leave the chore of choosing between _do or don't_ , up to the gods of fate, that and well, the randomness of a tumbling cube.

The only thing that's keeping me from reaching this point, is the faint hope that when I open the _messages_ folder on my desktop, there will new video file in it. I don't even know how long it's been since I left that childish, delusional message for Lelouch, but with every day my strength grows thinner. No doubt I have enough patience to wait for a response, it's just that the longer I'm left with myself, and myself alone, the more I question how much I _care_ if I get a response. In all likely hood, one day I will give up completely. But no need to worry about myself, I know for sure I wont commit suicide. Rather, I _can't._ As long as things are the way they are, I can't let my desire to be rid of my despair, cause someone else to lose their life, and I mean Lelouch. It's not as if I want these morals, but they're rooted in my head like a elder tree that refuses to die. It was planted long ago, and it is the only remnant of the person I once was. Simply it's presence is enough to force me to hold onto morals that beat against my brain like an obsessive tic. But I'm just being cynical anyway. I want the best for Lelouch, the best for Suzaku, the best for everyone, and if I have to live to do that, then I have no choice but to live.

I sit up in bed, _again._ I look around the room, and it's dimly lit and dusty, _again._ When my gaze falls upon the computer desktop, the tic of faint hope begins once more. To ease it, I pull myself into my wheelchair and make my way to the desk. I press the power button on my computer and wait for it to warm up, feeling as if I wish it would ready itself faster, but also hoping that it would just crash and shut down. That way I'd have an excuse to check for messages another time. When it's finally ready for use, I put in my password and stare at the desktop. Just the same as always, nothing's different, meaning if Lelouch took over, he hasn't made any massive changes. I look at the _messages_ folder. Immediately my heartbeat increases slightly, yet I only feel partially anticipatory. Although, my body would say the contrary. I guess I can never avoid it. No matter how many times I check for new videos, I'll always be afraid of what Lelouch is going to say back to me. Well, if he ever says anything to me again. After a minute of sitting there, feeling lightheaded from the anxiety, I decide to stall myself somehow. I try to think quick, so that way my attention will be diverted all the sooner. The first thing that comes to mind is chess, but it's not as if I haven't worn that game out. I try to think of something else, but I don't have any more games on my computer. I decide to go on the internet. Not sure what I'll do, but I'm taking this one step at a time. Once I've opened the browser, I begin searching the web. I start type in a search term to look for some stupid games to play, but as I am, suggested searches appear below the search bar. It so happens that the first letter of the gaming site I'm looking for, is shared with the site I use for email. When I see it, I think of how I haven't checked it in... who knows how long. It's not like I really use it to communicate in the first place, and no one has any reason to email me anyway, but just out of curiosity, I decide to check it.

Once I open it up, I find my inbox barraged with unread emails. At first, I assume that they're probably just virus infected spam emails from the various porn sites I've been visiting, and they are, for the most part. Mixed within them are emails from an address I haven't seen since I was back at Ashford, in the days I still believed the world could truly change. It's Suzaku's old email address.

I feel short of breath the instant I see it, and I know the best thing for me to do would be to close the email, but I can't help but examine them more so. Upon inspection, I find that most of them are over a page in length, and that they date back to just after I arrived at Mother's estate.

I sit there, jaw practically open in amazement and worry. I mean, he's been sending me emails all this time? He never gave up, even when he received no response? This must be a joke he's playing on me. He's probably just sending me something strange to make fun of me. To prove this to myself, I open one of the emails, only to disprove my theory.

The first sentence reads "Please Nunnally, I'm worried about you." I check the time stamp on the email, to find it was sent three weeks after my arrival at the estate. He never even left me alone, not for one minute, did he? God, he's persistent. This better not be about him wanting me to take him back. Yeah, I know I really hurt him with what I did, but he should have got the message by now, with me not responding and all.

But, he's been trying to talk to me all this time. I think anyone would hardly do that because of a delusion alone. And he's never stopped, even though I never responded to him. And all the emails are over a page long, meaning he really must be dedicated to me at least reading what he has to say. I exit out of the current email to take a look at the others. I open up several of them, and find he's mostly just giving a journal entry of what's happening back at the Tokyo settlement. Keeping me up-to-date on world affairs. I don't know why he sends this stuff to me, I don't need to know it anymore. Unless, he's still holding on to the idea that I'll join up with him and the others once I've had enough time to " _cool my head"_ or whatever. But after reading through a couple, he's always asking how I'm doing at some point. He always gives some sort of joke, probably to try and cheer me up. He always gives some sort of consolation to me in the end, that everything will be okay, things will get better, and that he can't wait to see me again. In some of the emails, he begs me to talk to him, saying he's tried everything. Reading through them, I feel sorry for him, but at times, I also feel myself getting angry. If he really cared about seeing me, he'd come here himself. He'd probably say he's to busy, but he wasn't too busy to drop me here in the first place. Self centered jerk. He's just pretending to care about me to try and get in my pants again, isn't he?

I ball my fist in anger at his audacity. Without even thinking I close the window, putting an end to his self pitying rants. But doing that only brings my eyes back upon my desktop, upon the folder. After that, I become grateful for the emails. They kept my mind off of this for long enough. I'm so stupid, I know there's nothing in there. I'm giving my brother too much credit by being worried about this. He hasn't responded yet, he never will. I make up my mind to get it over and done with as fast as possible. I double click the folder and enter the password in the blink of an eye, and when the folder opens to reveal it's contents...

I see two videos. The one my brother initially left for me, and the response I left for him. I am so freaking stupid. Why do I keep letting myself get worked up over all this!? It's always gonna be the same! I'm never getting a response from him, that stupid jerk! Nothing ever changes, nothing is ever going to change! All I'm ever gonna see is this stupid dusty room for the rest of my life, waiting on the words of the _oh so heavenly Lelouch_ to descend from the heavens and grace me with their presence! There's nothing left for me, there is nothing anywhere, at anytime! There is nothing I want to do anymore, it's all just an excuse to keep myself occupied. I am floating in a stagnant pond. I am just waiting to dry up. There's nothing I'd love more than an accidental death to free me from this hell, that way there will be no blame on me for Lelouch's death. Please, god, just let this building collapse right now and bury me in a grave of cobblestone and dust!

I'm through with this. I don't care if he dies, I don't care what happens to anyone anymore. In all likelyhood, I'm just an isolated teenage girl who has lost her mind! Lelouch might not even be real, I'm not keeping myself alive for a fantasy! Even if he is, why the hell does he deserve to live as a parasite within my mind and body, just so he can do as he pleases? If he's real, what the hell did the Zero Requiem all mean? Did he just let himself be killed back then, just to convince himself he was some sort of hero!? He can never stop loving himself, can he? He never sacrificed anything, nothing of his own, at least. I ended up being the sacrificial offering to offer in exchange for this messed up world.

I move as fast as I can around the room, searching for something sharp or poisonous. I don't have any pills, so scratch that idea. I start throwing things off of the desk to search for something, anything. Before I know it, I've cleared the desk and haven't found a single item suitable for slitting my wrists. You'd at least think I have a pair of scissors, or something. Once my desk is cleared, the closest thing I find is a pencil. At first, I think it to be useless, seeing as I don't want to stab myself to death. But then it occurs to me, that it may still be of use, I just need to find a sharpener.

After a moment of rummaging through my desk drawers, I find a small pencil sharpener. I twist the pencil inside it over and over again frantically, listening intently to the sound of it grinding against the razor blade inside. No doubt, if I could, I would just use the sharpener, but there's no way for me to get it out without a screwdriver. I keep on turning, wanting to scream every time I sharpen the tip to much and it breaks off, making me start again. But after a moment, a bring the pencil tip to the sharpest it can get without breaking off.

I hold the tip against my wrist, thinking about how to go about it. It's going to be messier than a blade, so I need to be ready for it to hurt a lot. I at first try drawing it across my wrist in the way you would a blade, but that only leaves a pale red scratch. I realize I have to angle the tip towards my skin and push it forward. It's seems I'm going to end up stabbing myself after all. I'm so stupid, but it's not like I'm turning back now. I only need a little bit anyway, I only need to bleed a little. I can let time take care of the rest. I apply pressure to the pencil, and feel a sharp stinging pain against my skin. My reflexes cause me to jolt my arm away. Judging by how painful it felt, I think I must've punctured my skin, but upon inspection, I only left a little red dot with a microscopic bead of blood. I realize this is really, _really_ gonna hurt.

I place the tip on my skin once more, right above my vein, and close my eyes. I think of a way to prepare myself for the pain, but then I realize that it hurts the least when you don't see it coming, which causes me to instantly stab the pencil into my wrist. This time, is definitely worked. I let out a sharp moan, which I try to muffle by keeping my mouth closed. My body kicks into danger mode, and I feel my heart rate increase. The pain is paralyzing, so I keep my eyes closed, my only focus being on bearing with the pain. I try to steady my breathing, and it works. I manage to calm myself down slightly, just enough to open my eyes, and when I do, I see my blood covered wrist right in front of me. The blood trickles off the sides it almost a steady stream, drenching my pajama bottoms and staining everything it touched. Judging by the amount of blood, I wont have to wait very long before I lose consciousness. The pencil is almost hidden in the mass of blood, but when I examine it closer, I see that I did far more than I intended to. I though just a decently sized prick would be enough for me to just wait it out, but in the moment, I seemed to have stabbed myself so hard that I plunged the pencil as deep as it would go into my wrist, stopping at the bone. After taking in the situation, I became as scared as I could ever remember being in my life. Even more so than in the Damocles, in the middle of a war. As soon as I realized what I had done, I couldn't believe I acted so selfishly. For a while, I can't even believe it. I think that this must be a dream. How could I really kill Lelouch like this? How could I do this, knowing it would tear Suzaku apart inside? How could I do this... when I haven't even gotten a response from my brother yet? For all I know, he might want nothing more than to be with me. Even if he doesn't, how delusional am I to think that he'd forsake me altogether? How could I do something so stupid, knowing I still have something to live for? I love Lelouch more than I could ever love anything, how could I leave him behind? He said himself he was having trouble with controlling the geass, him not responding could all easily just be a misunderstanding. Has it really even been that long anyway? I mean, it could be as long as a month before I get a response, and considering the possibility he can't control the geass, that wouldn't even be that long.

I look up from my wrist for a moment to see how many days it had been since I left my response. I look at the clock icon in the corner of the screen, and what I saw nearly made me faint. It had been two days. Two little days. That's impossible, I think. It couldn't have been, it wouldn't of felt this long. The more I think about it, the more I realize I can't even distinguish one day in my memory from another. They've all become so similar, so repetitive, so uninteresting. Somewhere in my head, they must all have blended into one long day. I didn't even realize... Two days? You're kidding. All this nonsense, all these terrible feelings, over two days? If that's the case, maybe Lelouch isn't real, because I'm definitely insane.

Looking back at my wrist, the horrific sight pulls me back into reality. Before I know it, I can't think of anything but how scared I feel. Am I really going to die? I've made such a dent in my flesh, that seems inevitable at this point. Somewhere in my mind, I revert back to the child I was before it all went wrong, before mother was assassinated. All I can think of is to call for her, or father, or Lelouch to come and help me. I suddenly realize I'm trembling uncontrollably, and I feel so lightheaded I can barely keep anything straight. I begin to cry, the tears dripping down onto my wrist, to become absorbed in the blood. Simultaneously, I let out a continuous wail, sounding similar to a crying child. Whimpering and sniffling, gasping for air after I cry for long enough. Finally, my physical appearance matches my mental age. Like a child, I fall out of my wheelchair from the trembling alone. Once I hit the ground, I start to cry out. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but I think that I did nothing but cry out for my family, all of which were dead, none of which could hear me. But after not long, I hear a knock at the door, and Miss Forgettable's voice comes through the door.

"Miss Nunnally, are you alright!?" She says, sounding worried.

I wipe some of the tears from my face with my mobile hand. "Help me, please I need help!" Sobbing in between each syllable. I can't even think of anything to say, except "help me Sayumi!". Although, as I do it occurs to me, this is the first time I ever called Sayumi by her real name ever since I met her.

"Are you hurt, Nunnally? Should I call an ambulance?"

"Help me!" My words becoming barely understandable with all the gasping and sobbing. "Just get inside, I need you..." I hear the doorknob shake, but the door doesn't open. It's locked.

"Nunnally, I can't get in." Of course, this is what I get for treating her so badly. Keeping my door locked all the time, so I only need to look at her when she brings me my meals. Nevertheless, I have to try and open the door. I start to crawl my way across the carpet using only my unhurt hand, but that barely gets me anywhere. With each second I lose even more blood, so I have to move faster. I start clawing my way towards the door, and with each grasp I bump the eraser end of the pencil against the carpet, causing an additional stinging pain in the wound. Every time this happens, I let our a little squeal, which only worries Sayumi even more. I hear her frantically pound on the door.

"Nunnally! What's wrong? Open the door!" I continue to crawl, and the act of doing such leaves no time for me to say anything back to Sayumi. After a few seconds, never getting a response from me, I hear her dialing her cell phone.

"Yes, please. I don't know what's happened, but I need an airlift ambulance right away! It's Nunnally Lamperouge, surely you can send one for her!" She's going to so much trouble, I can't believe I'm burdening her like this. She shouldn't have to go through something so disturbing. All she's ever done is help me. Take care of me, clean my room, make my meals. Whenever I see her, she always tries to make happy small talk, or try to cheer me up somehow. She must've caught on to the way I've been feeling a long time ago, and she's been doing everything she can, hasn't she? She doesn't need to do all of this for some selfish person like me. Although, I can't seem to stop crawling, even though it would probably just be better for her if I died and put an end to her troubles. I'm so selfish.

"We're at Lady Marianne's old estate." I hear her voice again. "No, I don't know what happened to her. She's locked in her room, I can't get to her. Okay, okay, I'll try."

The door shakes as Sayumi slams her body against the opposite side, but she doesn't even come close to succeeding to breaking it down. I hear her whimper in pain, suggesting she was already giving it her all. She tries again, but it sounds louder this time, and the door shook far more, but her cries are just as loud. She hits the door, again and again, crying out in pain each time. After one time, I hear her cry out, and continue to swear under her breath in the moments after. It was the strongest hit yet, so I assume that she probably hurt her arm or shoulder, which isn't that unbelievable with her petite frame. Luckily enough, at this point I'm at the bottom of the door.

I reach for the knob, but it's too high up, and out of my reach, which feels somewhat like a cruel joke. I crawled all the way over here just to die reaching for a lock? Maybe I deserve this anyway. I lower my hand in defeat, and that's when the door is hit once again. This time, Sayumi letting out a full on scream. She's still doing this, even though she hurt herself? Please, Sayumi, stop, I'm not worth it.

She hits the door again, and cries out. Why is she doing this? I couldn't of mattered to her this much, could I? I hear her from the other side of the door. "Nunnally, whatever happened, hold on, okay!?" On the next hit, the door shakes so much I wonder if it's not really Sayumi on the other side, but a stampeding herd animal. I can't believe she's so determined to get in here, it seems so stupid to hurt yourself trying to save such a miserable person. But the way I see it, she isn't going to stop hurting herself until that door is open. I at least have to do that, for her, even though it very well might be the last thing I do.

I reach again, grunting loudly with the strain of my arm. It's not enough, so I try and use my hip muscles to make my reach higher. It would hurt pretty bad I think, but the pain of the pencil wound is so strong it drowns out everything else. I try to block out the pain, and when I do, I manage to reach just high enough to flick open the lock. As soon as that's done, I let myself fall to the ground, finally letting myself rest. I wait for Sayumi to open the door, but all I here is the sound of her panting. After a moment, she slams against the door again. I just barely manage speak to her.

"Sayumi, it's unlocked." I say in a tired, almost ghostly sounding voice. Right after, the door swings open, nudging me in the side. Sayumi quickly squeezes her body through the opening in the door, and comes to my side. She kneels on the floor beside me, and notices the pencil sticking out of my arm. She puts both her hands over her mouth. Well, one of them. She tries to move the other, but it seems she can't. It must've been worse than I thought. It seems she broken her arm while trying to save me. I can't believe myself. Tears already streaming down her face continue to flow. I felt surprised at this, shedding tears for the person who does nothing but boss her around. Perhaps it was just the shock of the situation. Either way, I've caused her pain. I can't be forgiven for that. "I'm sorry, Sayumi." I say. "I didn't want to put you through this, but it's seems I've hurt you again." She seemed confused at my comment, so I elaborated. "All I've done is hurt you, I didn't even use your name until just now, did I?" She doesn't nod. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Nunnally, it'll be alright. The ambulance-" I interrupt her.  
"Will arrive too late, I think."

I can't believe what I've done. It was only two days, Lelouch and I are going to die for two days worth of... what? Idiocy, that's what. And Suzaku, I can't believe I've treated him so badly. I look back at my arm, and that's when it really dawns on me how hopeless it all is. What happened to Nunnally? The Nunnally that used to wander these halls, no, run down them like a speeding bullet! Laughing the whole way, being utterly satisfied simply by the sensation of the wind against her face. When did she die? I don't know, cause she never got a funeral. No one ever told me she was dead. I never realized it until now. I miss her, I think everyone misses her. I bet they'd all take that Nunnally over the creature that has infested this body. Well, at least Sayumi thinks this Nunnally is work breaking her arm for. I look her in the face, her tears now pitter pattering against my own. It finally strikes me, this is her face. This is what Sayumi looks like. I can't believe I thought of her as nothing but a tool to keep me comfortable in my solitude. This is the first time I've really ever see her as a person. Now, thinking of her as someone with feelings and desires just like most people, I can't help but feel terrible that she broke her arm in vain, but at least she made it inside. At least now, I can spend my final moments with her. At least now, she knows I'm sorry.

"Thank you, Sayumi. I think you might be the only person who really cares about me." I say to her, as I drift off into what feels like sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**20**

The consistent beep of the heartbeat monitor, reminds me of a lullaby. The first breath I take in feels like the most pleasing thing I can recall in a long time. If I'm breathing, I'm alive, meaning that Lelouch is also alive, that Suzaku wont have to deal with my death, and Sayumi's efforts weren't in vain. I kinda feel... almost happy. I mean, relieved is probably a better word, but that's almost happy anyways. But once I reach maybe my 11th breath, it occurs to me that I really am _alive,_ and that includes everything that comes with it. I start to feel tears pool in my eyes, a mix of both happy, and sad tears. I start to consider it rather tragic that I didn't die. Dying in Sayumi's arms, was honestly the way I would have most preferred to have died. I mean, with Lelouch would have been obviously better, but that can't happen now, seeing as we can't both be conscious at the same time.

I open my eyes fully, and the light feels almost blinding. That's when I realize I have a terrible headache, makes sense with all the blood loss. But once my vision clears, and I can see again, I see a boy sitting beside my hospital bed. A boy with shaggy brown hair, deep green eyes, and Zero's helmet in his lap. Not the creature devoured by purpose, but the boy I knew from 7 years ago.

I can only help but sit there, awestruck at his presence alone. I mean, it just feels unreal. A second ago I thought I would never see him again, but now here he is beside me. I stay there, looking at him sitting in the ray of light coming in through the window, until he eventually notices I woke up. Our eyes meet, and I expect him to smile, but instead, he just begins to cry.

"You're such a stupid little girl, Nunnally."

He's right, obviously. I am just a child, I never stopped being one. I just turned from an ignorantly happy one, to this mess. It feels as if the air is still, like there's no air at all.

"I'm..." I stop. "I'm so, so sorry, Suzaku."

He looks at me again, and quickly laughs. "Thanks."

Silence.  
"I'm sorry" I say.  
After a moment, he responds "We're you thinking about anyone at all when you..." He stops. "Well, anyone but yourself?"  
I think about it for a moment. "No, I wasn't."  
"You admit it?" He says after a pause.  
"What am I supposed to do? It's the truth."

This made Suzaku look angry.  
"Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have-"  
"Well you said it anyway, didn't you Nunnally?"  
Silence overtook the air.  
"You're coming back to the Tokyo Settlement, so I can watch over you."  
Given the circumstances, I didn't protest. After that, Suzaku broke down, sobbing audibly. Expecting him to yell at me again, I decided to speak.  
"Suzaku-"

...

I found his embrace interrupting what I was to say. He held tightly, burying his face into my shirt, dampening it from his tears. I thought to speak again, but instead, I lifted my arms and wrapped them around him. As I did, I caught a glimpse of the bandages around my wrist. It felt surreal, I asked myself again if all of that really happened, but having Suzaku draped around me and crying into my shirt sleeves no doubt in my mind that it was real. I look down at his face again. I can only see part of it, most of it was covered by my shirt. He looked so genuine in this moment, like his face was pure. I could see the raw emotion in his expression, unfiltered by all our trivial mannerisms that bog down our everyday interactions. What I saw that day, was Suzaku's soul. He held me in his arms, for no other reason than that he wanted to. He sobbed into my shirt, only because he wanted to be close to me. He even risked removing his Zero helmet in a public hospital. Sure, it was a private room, but it was still a risk. He only did those things because it was what he wanted, he didn't even care about the risk. Before I even knew it, he wasn't the only one dampening the others clothes. Though I was crying, I felt far more calm. Just seeing Suzaku act this way, for some reason, made me feel like everything else didn't matter. That everything would be okay. I felt like if I had the people I love by my side, maybe I could actually be happy sometimes. All in all, I liked the feeling of having Suzaku so close to me.

After we ran out of tears to shed, Suzaku sat himself on the end of my hospital bed. We talked for awhile, but everything exchanged in our conversation felt small in comparison to what had happened moments earlier. Throughout our talk, I could see how much I hurt him with all I did. If I really did die on the way to the hospital, I don't know what would have become of him. Maybe he would have become like me, letting himself be destroyed and changed by the death of a person close to him. That's at least one reason to be happy that I survived, for his sake.

Eventually, our conversation came to a close, and after putting his helmet back on, he made his way out of the room. I wasn't sure if I would receive any more visitors, until Sayumi stopped by to check on me. She wore a cast around her arm, which I apologized to her for causing. And acting just like herself, she said no apology was needed. For some reason, it felt amazingly awkward speaking to her after all we went through. It's true I was content dying in her arms, even though I barely knew her. Although, that feeling of closeness I felt to her in those moments of dread was free of our conversation in this moment. I couldn't place why. By the end of our short conversation, we had mostly just reassured ourselves that the other one was doing fine (Even though that obviously wasn't the case). The end of visiting hours came, and Sayumi went on her way.

I lay there motionless watching the light in my room slowly fade with the sunset. I felt myself overcome with the feeling I had when I awoke in my bedroom after Lelouch had died. Something terrible had just happened, but I was overtaken by the small details and beauty of the most mundane things in the room. Light, the dust in the sunbeam, and other things. Once the sun had set, I lay there in my bed marveling at the darkness. It was so simple, pure and serene. Until that moment I had always associated darkness with the unknown, danger and despair. but laying within it's embrace that night made me feel like I had made a friend of the darkness. So silent and sure, it enveloped me, and eventually, it rocked me to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up when it was still dark out, which allowed me to watch my room fill with light again. It was like watching what I experienced the night before, but in reverse. I felt the softness of my bed beneath me, how it cradled me. Once the light rose full enough to turn my room a soft orange, I stretched my arms out and let out a yawn. As I did, I noticed the palm of my hand illuminated, revealing several markings scribbled on my palm in a blue ink. I took a quick look around, and found a blue pen on the table next to me, that I couldn't remember if it had been there yesterday or not. I brought my hand closer to my face to examine the markings. What I found were the words "I love you" written in an elegant hand, colored in blue and surrounded by the soft orange luminescence of the rising sun. The handwriting was some I hadn't seen in a long time, a very long time. Not since before I lost my eyesight, but even as a child, Lelouch still had some of the most elegant calligraphy I had ever seen.

When I saw this, I felt happy again. Almost as if I could see the child I used to be playing with Lelouch, and Euphy, and Cornelia just like we used to.

I realized, all I ever wanted, was to feel like that child again.

I picked up the pen from beside me, placing it on my palm. Right underneath Lelouch's message, I messily scribbled the words "Love you too". It looked awkward and childish next to his handwriting, but that was a good thing. Lelouch is the only person who could ever write something so beautifully. It was the proof I had been searching for, and now I had it. I couldn't help but smile, imagining his face when he sees what I wrote for him. With that, rested my hand upon my chest, and drifted off into sleep. Knowing that when _he_ awoke, he'd have something of mine waiting for him.

 **End**


	21. (Open them again)

I + X = (^u^)


End file.
